My Testimony: Finding Freedom from Addiction, Alcoholism, and Suicide

September 29, 2014.

The worst and best day of my life.

I spent the entire afternoon writing suicide letters on my bedroom floor in Birmingham, Alabama. My head was pounding and my hands were shaking uncontrollably – not because I was nervous, but because I was hungover from the night before. The horrible hangovers and shaky hands had become a regular thing for me, and cocaine and alcohol were the only way to solve the problem. Just 26 years-old, I had already completely ruined my life.

 

Truthfully, I wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, I’d consider myself an extremely well-liked, extroverted, life-of-the-party kind of guy. My actual nickname in college was “Party.” It was never my intention to hurt anyone, and I certainly never planned on becoming a drug addict or an alcoholic. Depression and suicide were never on my radar. My goal in life was to simply have as much fun as possible, and I didn’t care about anything else. The fun did have consequences, though. I was fired from 17 different jobs, ruined so many relationships, stole, lied, and inevitably hurt the people I loved the most.

 

The suicidal thoughts started creeping in during my party days in college, but I never told anybody, because I honestly believed suicide was something everyone thought about. Partying was the only thing that made the darkness go away, so I kept doing it. The next few years after college are a complete blur. It’s like I blinked and was suddenly 26 years-old with a life that had somehow fallen apart in every way imaginable. The depression and anxiety got worse and worse, and suicide started to seem like my best and only option.

 

I was planning to end my life for several months at this point, constantly spinning different scenarios in my mind. I was kind of just waiting for the “right” day to come along. For whatever reason, Monday, September 29, 2014 was that day. I just knew I had absolutely nothing left to live for, and I knew exactly where one of my roommates kept a gun in his nightstand drawer. After writing those letters to each of my loved ones (and one to myself, just in case some kind of miracle happened), I had nothing left inside of me. Just absolute weakness and an endless well of tears. My entire body was shaking, and I curled into fetal position on that dirty wooden floor and cried out to God. If He didn’t do something in that moment, I was ready to end it all.

 

God wasn't a new thing for me. I grew up in church, was raised by two loving parents, went to all the youth retreats and Christian camps, graduated from a Christian university, and knew all the Bible verses. But this was the first time in my life I ever truly needed God.

 

The lump in my throat was too painful and heavy to form words - it was one of those inward prayers that only God can hear and understand. All I can remember from that moment is that as my soul cried out to God and asked for help, a tangible peace flooded my room, and I felt surrounded with bright light. It felt like every cell in my body was being covered by a warm blanket of light. My eyes were closed and tears were pouring out of me, but I just knew Jesus was in the room. I had never felt more broken in my life, but I somehow felt healed in that very moment – inwardly. Like Jesus Himself had touched my soul with His own hands.

 

Still on the floor, I turned to my bookshelf and grabbed my Bible - something I hadn't done in years. With shaky hands, quivering lips, snot running out of my nose, and unable to form real thoughts, I let my Bible fall open to a “random” page. (Ever done that?)

 

As soon as my blurry eyes could focus, near the very bottom of the page, in red letters, these words were the only thing I could see:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

 

All I know is, that's the moment when everything changed. Something broke in my spirit, and I surrendered. Not just my addiction, my alcoholism, and my heartache, but my will. My heart. My soul. My inner man.

 

Until that moment, it never really occurred to me that I had a problem with addiction or alcoholism. It's like my eyes were suddenly opened, and I could finally see that I needed help. That same evening, I looked up the nearest AA meeting and literally ran two miles to get there. September 29, 2014. That's my sobriety date.

 

I truly believe Jesus healed me and set me free. I know He did. My mindset, my thoughts, and my attitude have completely changed, and He gave me a new heart. Anyone that knows the old Zack will tell you: I am a completely different person today. 

 

Don’t get me wrong, life didn’t magically become easy on that day. In many ways, life became harder on that day. Sobriety is a lot harder than drinking all of your problems away. They say it’s “one day at a time”, but my experience has been one minute at a time. I still sin every day, I’ve still struggled with relationships, my faith has wavered, and suicidal thoughts still come knocking at the door from time to time.

 

In 2019, I had the joy of celebrating 5 years of continuous sobriety from drugs and alcohol. One month later, I relapsed and got drunk at a random bar in Fullerton, California. Thankfully, God gave me the courage to admit my failure and continue the journey, but it was a good (and necessary) wake up call. He’s teaching me to just be transparent with my struggles and to own it when I mess up. Hidden sin is what got me in trouble in the first place, and I just refuse to go back to that place in life.

 

My relapse helped me to understand that healing and recovery works both ways. God does His part, and I need to do my part, too. I’m still human, and I’m going to make more mistakes along the way. (That being said, I have also learned that God’s grace is not a license for me to continue in sin. His grace is the power to overcome sin and live a changed life.)

 

I don’t fully understand why some of us have to reach such a place of desperation before we turn to God, but I can honestly say I’m grateful He allowed me to reach the end of my rope. God is always there, just waiting for me to acknowledge Him. It’s ok to ask for help. He likes that.

 

Here are two scriptures that have had a tremendous impact on my journey of faith and sobriety:

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

 

“Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” –Psalm 51:6

 

These scriptures make it clear to me that God delights in the truth of my heart – even if the truth is shame and brokenness. God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be.

 

I hope my story gives you hope. A lot of people say, "Once you're an addict, you're always an addict." I couldn't disagree more. Total freedom from addiction is available in Christ Jesus, and I'm living in that freedom today.

 

*Feel free to reach out anytime if you're struggling with addiction, alcoholism, depression, or suicidal thoughts. You are not alone, my friend.